no, he came in my armpit
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
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That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
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I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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