I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
