i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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