I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
