the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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