he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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