Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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