I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
we're so committed to being not committed
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
