if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
