i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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