i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
