Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
