You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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