i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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