i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
