Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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