Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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