Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
