I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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