ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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