Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
