I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
