Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
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She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
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did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.