I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.