I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Dating After Heartbreak
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis