did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
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I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
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Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.