Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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