separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
