i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
