Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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