sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
mondays should just be called national damage control day
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
