You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
