i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
