I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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