last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
