Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
