I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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