Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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