My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
