Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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