Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
