I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
