Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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