i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
