I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
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Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
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Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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