I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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