Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
