Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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