I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
