when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
