I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
