One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
