Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
