Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
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Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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