Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just invented taco cereal.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
