The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You need a sexual gate keeper
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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