Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
