please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
