So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Randomize
