do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
